Today is not a good one for Mom.
Initially after moving to the Home Mom was generally sweet and uncomplaining. If she was in pain, that could change, but she was mostly easy to be with.
Today was very different! Today Mom seemed very frightened and very angry. She was not happy to see us children nor the staff at the home.
Cheryl and I have had Sunday lunch with Mom, I think, since Dad died (2002). At first Cheryl and Mom would come to my house after church. We continued the tradition when she moved to the Home, bringing lunch (usually soup) with us. We normally have a pleasant lunch though Mom has contributed less and less to the conversation over the years. There was little pleasant about today.
Today her greeting to me was, “You think you’re funny,” and told me to “Get out!” within 30 seconds of my arrival. Over and over she asked, “What changed overnight?” “Why are you different?” “Why don’t you help me?”
No question was answered except with, “You do know what is wrong,” “You know what I need,” or simply, accusingly, “You know.”
When I or Cheryl told her we loved her, she responded, “No, you don’t. If you did you wouldn’t act this way.”
We were helpless in the face of her confusion, her anger, her fear. No words could reach her. She wanted no touch.
Though we did set the table and eat some lunch her hostility didn’t abate. In the end she told us, “It’s not nice. To put the whole blame on me. It’s not nice!”
Where is she? What is happening in her mind? Why does she suffer like this? Where is God, the God she tried so hard to serve all her adult life? Will this be the end of her life, this anger, this confusion? It’s not nice!!!
And is this what is ahead of me? Will I too, one day, lose my grasp on reality, see the people who love me as against me? Be unable to see the love, the care, the beauty around me?
Awe Barb, that’s too bad. Mary says it’s her dementia, as you likely know. She also mentioned you should let staff know.
Thanks for your love and patience with mom!
The staff do know. Both the RN and the PSW tried to convince Mom to get up for lunch to no avail. We decided to set the table and invite her that way. She did eat a few bites.
Good stuff. I figured likely. :v/
To speak to your real question… The future is never known, BUT not all of us will suffer this. We’ve have been fortunate to have mom “with” us as long as she has been! :v)
We were just completely powerless to do anything that may have offered her comfort. Before Barb came in today at one point she rounded her shoulders and sobbed quietly not understanding why I was being “so miserable, so naughty”. It hurt to see her that way, so vulnerable and angry at the same time. It also took me right back to childhood, not being able to do anything right for an angry mother, not understanding the level of anger and just wanting to stay clear of her.
Cheryl I’m sorry for your experience today! It isn’t easy making the transition from authoritarian parent to failing Elder, nor from inexperienced child to responsible adult. It gets even more complicated when in an instant the roles would seem to be reversed. No fun that!
I trust you will rely on your wisdom while you ‘cross this stormy sea’, even while the natural emotion of this event floods your heart and mind.
As I write this I imagine how different the actual experience is from hearing about it. If I were to use the former analogy of stormy sea, clearly being in the midst of an angry sea could not compare to the story in the news.
Thanks for your dedicated time, attention and love to Mom! Remember that the powerlessness you feel in this situation is very like the loss of control in a stormy sea. It’s a natural phenomenon over which you have no power. May your wounds be healed and you be blessed with kindness care and love from those near and dear in return for enduring these sorts of exchanges with Mom.
Thoughtfully with love, (((hug)))
Thanks for the thoughtful response Jim. Even at though my head understands the nature of dementia some days my heart just hurts. I felt better after journaling. I am familiar enough with feeling powerless, it is just such a terribly unpleasant feeling. If this is the direction Mom’s dementia is headed I will learn how to navigate the storm with practice. It just sucks.
Barb, should your physical world collapse around you, you will like your mother depend on those near and dear to understand and be compassionate, given your inability to work the physical characteristics that once defined you.
As for anger, is it ever really far away for any of us? Is it not as real a part of life as good humour? I don’t mean to say that dealing with another’s anger is easy or fun! Only that it is human, and none of us are above it.
So shouldn’t we deal with our disappointment the same way we do with any of our relationships? When we pour our hearts and compassion into our relationships only to receive anger in return it’s painful!
Barb I’m sorry for your experience today, I can only imagine being in your position. I hope as the pain of that experience subsides you will be reminded of positive exchanges with Mom. I hope too that you will stand proud of the dedication, care and love you have consistently demonstrated for (y)our mother.
I realize this is easy for me to say but this is not a hollow compliment, I have experienced your care and love on many occasions so I know how Mom has benefited! May you be blessed and experience joy as long as your physical being has the capacity, after which, should you still have life on earth, may you be blessed with tender care by your loved ones, even as Mom continues to be.
Thoughtfully with love (((hug))),
Thanks, Jim!
The hardest part of the day was seeing Mom so lost and being helpless to reach her.
I can understand anger. I do it well. And I can not take Mom’s anger personally.
It’s just really hard to watch someone you love suffer.
Barb, to speak personally, there seems to be a theme around anger for me right now. I don’t have trouble feeling it, but whether expressing it or allowing its expression, it’s not an area of mine with sufficient skill, IMHO. I’m told that it’s healthy to be able to express anger. 😉 If this is in fact true perhaps this was useful for her, even while it was [fill in your favorite expletive] aweful for you.
I think you and Cheryl hit it on the head when you say “powerless”. It brings back those memories of a sick infant my arms. All you can do is cry with them!
I wonder if Don is seeing this as well!?
Thanks again, both of you!
PS: Mary says one tactic that can work, is to leave for a few minutes and return. It can give time for dementia patients to forget and start again. But, that would not have likely worked for you today, as she was upset with staff as well.
From Don, Monday morning:
“Mom was in a pretty good mood this morning inspite of at partial bath early. She even had a good chuckle at her table mate who’s comment on receiving breakfast was “what the hell’s that”.
Another day.
don”
Mom’s anger does take you right back to childhood. I have made that comment to staff before. I truly feel she may have woken from a dream and she then cannot distinguish between that and reality. Her anger should not have been directed at either of you because you do love and care for her deeply and she knows that when lucid. We have been pretty fortunate so far in comparison to some dementia patients there, behaviour wise. Lets just hope she does not need this anger in order to be able to let go of her family. It is unnerving to experience it for sure. So sorry this now is a memory for you and Cheryl especially when Mom will have forgotten by today. Heart wrenching!
To lose who you are to someone even for one day is both frightening and profoundly sad. Paul often talks about the day he visited his father to have him not know who he was. Our prayers and thoughts are with you and your sister and your mother.