Moving

10mcalisterdr-bloomingdaleI moved into this building at 30 Avalon Place eight years ago to be near my mother. She lived, prior to going to the nursing home three years ago, just down the hall from me. I remember walking up the stairs one day after signing the deal on this place and feeling sick at the thought of living here. I really hadn’t ever lived in an apartment building before, always a house, with a back yard and all. But I did want Mom to be able to stay in her own place for as long as possible. And I did that.

Though I have never liked the building as a whole, I have liked my bright and sunny unit and Mom’s unit overlooking the park where we would see deer and glorious sunsets. For the first seven years the traffic noise from the expressway in front of my place was a problem. But last year they finished the sound barrier so that has improved significantly though traffic is always the background accompaniment.

So with Mom no longer here and a sound barrier making the place for sale-able, I decided it was time to get out. Next weekend I will be moving to Bloomingdale.

I hate moving, quite frankly. But I don’t want to be here any longer.

I’m going to miss the neighbourhood. The parks with their woods and pond and assorted wildlife, the walk to Simon & Christine’s house, Myron next door, Cheryl and Karl both within walking distance. But I will gain an almost rural living again. I will be a short walk from the Grand River and it’s trails. I will be further from work but closer to church. Perhaps I’ll be able to have a garden again. Always in life there are pros and cons. You take your pick and live with the consequences.

And so I am grateful for the opportunity to move, in a sense, to start over once again. God is with me.

A difficult day

On a happier Sunday in January.
On a happier Sunday in January.

Today is not a good one for Mom.

Initially after moving to the Home Mom was generally sweet and uncomplaining. If she was in pain, that could change, but she was mostly easy to be with.

Today was very different! Today Mom seemed very frightened and very angry. She was not happy to see us children nor the staff at the home.

Cheryl and I have had Sunday lunch with Mom, I think, since Dad died (2002). At first Cheryl and Mom would come to my house after church. We continued the tradition when she moved to the Home, bringing lunch (usually soup) with us. We normally have a pleasant lunch though Mom has contributed less and less to the conversation over the years. There was little pleasant about today.

Today her greeting to me was, “You think you’re funny,” and told me to “Get out!” within 30 seconds of my arrival. Over and over she asked, “What changed overnight?” “Why are you different?” “Why don’t you help me?”

No question was answered except with, “You do know what is wrong,” “You know what I need,” or simply, accusingly, “You know.”

When I or Cheryl told her we loved her, she responded, “No, you don’t. If you did you wouldn’t act this way.”
We were helpless in the face of her confusion, her anger, her fear. No words could reach her. She wanted no touch.
Though we did set the table and eat some lunch her hostility didn’t abate. In the end she told us, “It’s not nice. To put the whole blame on me. It’s not nice!”

Where is she? What is happening in her mind? Why does she suffer like this? Where is God, the God she tried so hard to serve all her adult life? Will this be the end of her life, this anger, this confusion? It’s not nice!!!

And is this what is ahead of me? Will I too, one day, lose my grasp on reality, see the people who love me as against me? Be unable to see the love, the care, the beauty around me?

Lenten Challenge #40: Sacrifice

And so we reach the end of Lent, the fortieth day. We are asked to evaluate our journey to this day, our experiences of generosity, to see if God is asking us to make a permanent Lent-type sacrifice in order to have a closer walk with God.

One of the most significant things for me has been to become more conscious of strangers I interact with in my day, people I meet in the stairwell, service representatives in store, etc, to make more of an effort to really see them, to smile, to make a personal comment. I think I already live a fairly generous lifestyle, and I want to continue on. It been a worthwhile journey.